i am small and needy

tonight i will sleep. deep sleep. deep dream.
i will wish for things i will never recieve and i will wish upon stars that will never be touched.
i will wait for that one man who will never hear my cries.
i will settle for the one who will break my heart.

godspeed to all your efforts

THINGS I HATE!!!
-when people think neutrals or black/white are colors.
-when people think i hate EVERYTHING.
-when people complain about me complaining
-the color red in large amounts and very bright.
-skanks.
-chocolate.
-when people spray shit when i'm around. they know i get horrible migranes from it and they know i'll just bitch more.
-when people get pissed off for me telling them the truth. you obviously need to grow up.
-people who can't deal with me speaking out for what i believe.
-conservatives.
-war.
-the 90's fashion.
-hair spray
-when the blow dryer is in my face, i cant breathe.
-fall out boy and panic at the disco.
-fat people. and kids.
-annoying babies.
-my fears
-anxiety stress depression
-how you buy a cd hoping its good based on one song but it sucks.
-when candy hurts my teeth
-being tired but not being able to sleep/restless legs
-when anything on me hurts or aches, arthritis.
-when no one believes me about my pain.
-how i can sense any smell, good or bad.
-when shoes make my feet smell bad.
-hot sand
-sunburns
-when my bed spread falls off.
-when people don't text back or call.
-when people are shitty drivers.
-ditching.
-liars.
-people who can't stand up for themselves.
-trying on clothes.
-shopping.
-when my parents agervate me by being human beings and annoying.
-working.
-having no money.
-having to pay bills.
-flat tires.
-being hungry with nothing in the house.
-the smell of factories downtown.

is this where the interstate ends?

woah. i hate hate hate him. he was a waste of my time and effort and money. i mean i love roadtrips but now that i know the real him, he's a jerk and he apparently can't handle it when people are truthful. everyone from indiana is like me, truthful and outspoken and loud. and i guess some people could NEVER make it here. like him. he'd kill everyone or himself. that would be a good thing.


school news;; i am going to go to penn state. hands down. it's better for me. meteorology is what i want. i know this. photography is my minor. so i'm set there.


i watched the shut up and sing movie last night. it's crazy. i don't get how people can just, shun everyone for their freedom of speech. that's what our country is based on. and that's what i live on. "Stand up. Speak out." i'm not trying to impress people by my words. i'm trying to make sure i don't go crazy holding it all in. i make sure people know how i feel about them and myself and everything and if i held everything in, i'd literally go insane. so hold nothing back, and live without regret.

if you're leavin', leave the cigarettes.

so ASU (arizona state) had accepted me.

i know thats not a major deal to you. but to me, it is. i have wanted to go there since i was a freshman. i remember how pissed i was when i heard kate was going and then she dropped out. it doesnt have meteorology. but it does have nice sunny weather and dj and the boys and oh christ roadtrips to cali. i'd be too distracted there. i couldn't do it.

so i should take penn state. but it's a horrible depressing atmosphere.

she don't like cocaine baby...

remember the times i was full of energy and full hearted joy.
remember the times i was full of your faith.
remember the times i was full of my own faith.


i am giving up on my family. i'm sick of them letting me down. and giving up on believing in me.
i mean seriously, they're supposed to support me the most.
and they are dragging me down and making my miserable little pit, a little worse everytime they speak.

that sounds horrible bet let's go back to the begining of time....or my life.
my depression;; mother.
my lack of trust in men;; father.
my anger for women;; sister.
my hate for smokers and alcohol;; father and whole freaking family.
my shyness and anxiety;; depression.

seriously. and the depression has seriously been getting worse since they won't let me go to penn state. they think i want to stay here.

i've never wanted to stay in this fucking hell hole of a state.
the only reason i have for staying now is ashlee and a couple friends.
they've given up on me, i'll give up on them.


i'm sick of this fucking battle.

burning down neverland;;

okay so here's life...


boys;; i'm failing miserably. i'm being my normal hardknock self. no one will get passed if i dont let them. i don't want to learn to trust them. they all hurt me anyways, why would i want to? why would i want them to get to see me? i mean, i love myself, why can't they. that's what i don't get. people just don't get how to get through. and so they think i'm so cold hearted. but really, i'm not. so basically i push and push so i don't have to trust. i hate boys. i've only been heartbroken once because of erik. and i hate him...honestly HATE! i don't trust anyone. ever. i've never had a reason to. other than ashlee harley, she's not a boy though.

friends;; same as above. they're never there when I NEED THEM!!! i'm giving up on them. i'm sick of them. they're failures at their jobs. i could careless if i leave them. other than again, ashlee and probably alise, but she's leaving too, so we'll end up talking all the time.

family;; they're being jerks. my mom is telling me i can't choice my college because of money? not because it has any impact on my FUTURE OR ANYTHING?!?! what a bitch. i mean okay lets seriously think about it....retard. i hate her. she's a biiiiiitch....i'm old enough to know better. and what i want. and i have NEVER wanted to go to iupui or stay here. and now i have the best opportunity ever and she's trying to take it away from me.

school;; i was accepted to penn state university. yes. THE penn state. and i'm so excited. i didn't even hear from them until now. i applied in november. they have meteorology. not geology....METEOROLOGY B.S. i don't care about money. i'll end up making back 2 times more in one year of working from my doctorate. i'm pretty impressed at myself. i'm smart. I AM good at this. I can make it on my own. I don't need anyone. i think i'll be fine without boys, friends or family. well i'll need ashlee and alise. but thats a given.


anberlin's new cd is so amazing. i am in awe. you just have to buy it to know what i mean. it's so....overpowering.

Did you get too fond of losing sleep my dear?

i have a really weird fun filled weekend. ashlee and i thought we had drama. we wont ever. we're amazing friends.

friday- showing for tommy, went to movies with andy and alyssa and ate at fridays. we saw the messengers. it was so scary. like it started out retarted as crap and when it started picking up it was creeeeeeppyyyyy.

saturday- funeral. then i well i dont remember. hahah. awkward. oooh battle of the bands at u of i with chasidy jessica and sarah

sunday- hung out with my momma, then went to chasidy's party.

monday- brad and i went to the childrens museum. it was really pretty lame. and then we decided we were hungry so i bought us fazollis and he made fun of me the whole timmeeeeee. then we went to my house and watched #3 and #4 harry potter and he hit me in the face with a candy cane. oh and on the way home we played paddidle. like i always do. i ultimately one since i needed less to win.


all in all, it was good. it started out good, got bumpy, but then good again. i was just worried that people would ditch me today and it was going to be a bad day. but it didn't turn out so. so i'm glad i didn't have to deal with that. the only thing is, still single, still lonely.

the lines are close to suicide

The thing is, I just fall for boys too easily. I'm sorry if I scare you. I never mean to. I don't mean to smother. I just want something....fantastic. Something that's like cocaine. Something to make everyone jealous just by the looks we give each other. You're pretty amazing, and I'm pretty hopeful for the best. But I'm preparing for the worst. I always think about what could be and what I want but I never think about what anyone else wants. I just hope someone will be there for me. I really wish you could be the boy of my dreams, I know you could be. You're probably the most I've ever gotten my hopes up for in the past two years on someone. I'm just, hoping so much. I really want to be everything to someone so good. Someone so, good to me. It's really not so much to ask for. Just a little time dedicated to me and cuddling. Someone who is in it for more than three months. I want something....great.

i hurt my head before i think it through.

i get the stupidest little crush on boys who seem so perfect but underneath everything they're nothing more than lies and deceptions. they're just trying to get what they've gotten from so many before me. but i'm not falling for it. they may get my mind, but they won't get my heart. i'm proud to say that i've given away my heart twice and had it broken once. as for breaking hearts, i do believe i've only done so once. and i regret it. i will always love him but i won't dwell on it because i know it's just a standard that i'm setting for other guys. he was amazing. and i want other boys to be better than him. i want my relationships to be better than what we had. i want the world in a man's eyes. it's nothing major, i'll know when i kiss him, hold him.

valetines day is dumb

SNOW DAY!

that's all i have to say hahah.

i'm so excited!!! FIRST SENIOR SNOW DAY!!! I DONT HAVE TO MAKE IT UP SUCKAS!!!
stupid fools hahaha.

anyways. last night was amazing. sounds like sex. hahaha.i talked to bradley on the phone for awhile and he's a good boy. we asked questions about each other. and our lives. and told stories. and laughed. he's pretty much amazing. i dont know why a girl would pass him up. i went to caras we hung out for awhile. i love her. shes loud and obnoxious like me. we had so much fun.

i hope i find a good boy soon. that's all i'm going to say! and i hope he's cute and perfect and sticks around for a long while because i've been without a good guy for awhile.

i'm sleepy. i woke up at 645. i'd like to cuddle today.

life is full of your regrets and i should be one.

i just want to not worry about finding love. but it's what i'm meant to do. i'm a people person. though i don't come off as one. i really am. i want everyone to love me. i hate it when people hate me. i never have anyone hate me. they all love me from my first impressions. though i don't know why. i make horrible ones. but what i mean is that people usually just enjoy everything about me. my smile, my laugh, my outgoingness, my way that i have to please them. i'm always trying to make people happy is what i mean by pleasing. smiling is the best joy of life. and i want someone to make ME smile.

i'm not a lot, but you can have all of me.

so i've been talking to boys lately. i've found good ones. but they're all still....meh. none of them have potential or want potential i guess.

i have been told i'm too selfish. but if i had someone else to think about all of the time, it'd be different. i just want someone to feel good with. someone to trust completely someone to hold me and well...everything. it's not really that hard. i'm just looking for anyone who wants me for me. i'm not changing anything. i sleep a lot. i'm pretty lazy. i eat more food than most men. i burp. i like scratch off tickets. i hate beef, but love chicken. i'm complicated, but not that hard to talk to and understand.

i'm begining to see im not going to have anything with the money i have and the schooling i'm paying for. i'm getting nothing for money except my materialistic pleasure and that can only go so far. but i'm still doing good. because i'm healthy, and i'm happy with myself. it's not like i'm breaking down inside right now or have huge insecurities. the one i do is about my laugh but that's because its soooo loud and obnoxious ahhaha. we all know it.

i'm so tired. melinda and i had fazoli's i'm her parachute packer? sounds perverted huh? hahah. we're going to end up adopting kids together from africa. and making them be friends and shit. hahah. we're amazing.

i'm going to bed. i had a good day. i might have a job soon. good thing i know people.

this is how i feel inside...

I would love it if I could find him. He would have large, warm hands to hold mine. To hold my face. He wouldn't care what I do to myself, but rather what I do to the relationship.

Why do I always get the shortend of the stick? People tell me I'm lucky, I'm beautiful, I'm going to be somebody. But I want to be with someone. I'm better when I am. I'm more beautiful with someone, than I am alone.

I'm just so lonely. I love my friends, but they can only do so much. I want to be intimate. I want to be a hopeless romantic with someone. I want the stupidest little thing that EVERYONE takes for granted. That's all.

we're all hopeful and then let down.

i've read the great gatsby. i never understood it until just now. until i've been talking to a guy about what he sees in this girl. he's putting her on a pedestal. he's making her seem perfect. i mean, maybe she is, but he's making her more than what she is. do we not learn anything from our mistakes? we all do this. we make someone seem so perfect, and then we're let down. we're hopeful that they're this....god....and we're let down. i'd like to meet someone that was better than what i made them out to be. someone who sets the bar above what i do. a boy who makes it so hard to walk from him, fight him, turn away and leave him for the night.


i'm just looking, hoping, dreaming. i need to find him. (read past entry of copied blogs for details)

never ending.

seems like you never slow down. you never stop to breathe. and every move you make it makes my heart beat faster and lungs push harder than they ever have. feels like i'm running in circles. i'm scared of your life. i'm scared one day, my lungs will collapse and my heart will give up on my soul and my mind.


that's all i had. because i'm sick of all of my friends always go go go. and i'm just so laid back. but i know one day, it's going to get me. anyways;; these are all of my myspace blogs. i'm deleting them from there and posting them on here.


Sunday, January 28, 2007

i'm waiting on someone who doesn't want me.


i just want someone to call my own ya know?

a boy who is funny, sarcastic, outgoing, not too serious.
a boy who will sit at home with me when i dont feel good, buy me soup and vitamin water.
a boy who will text me when i'm at school and tell me to have a good day.
a boy who will watch cartoons with me, and sacrifice his own show.
a boy who will cuddle, kiss, and be sweet to me. buy me flowers. do anything nice.
a boy who doesn't need me. a boy who doesn't want me to always be there.
a boy who doesn't care if i go out or just sit at home alone. because i do that.
a boy who understands that i am living my life for me.
a boy who is in it for the long run. not something useless.
a boy who understands my fetishes and makes fun of them with me.
a boy who can talk to me for hours about nothing and not care.
a boy who will go on trips with my family and me and be comfortable.
a boy who likes me as much as i do.
a boy who doesn't want to grow up.



Wednesday, January 31, 2007

more.

a boy who;;
-bakes with me.
-covers me with a blanket if i fall asleep on the couch.
-will talk about how ugly people are with me. or gorgeous.
-goes on random road trips.
-doesn't care if i don't wear make up.
-will drive to my house instead of making me drive.
-takes me to a movie.
-buys me the little things i say i want, not the big things.
-plays in the snow with me.
-IS A GENTLEMAN WHEN IT COMES TO COURTESY!
-will listen to my music and not complain.
-dance in the car with me and sing and not care to look like fools.
-will just lay in bed with me all day or night and stare at the ceiling.
-but still doesn't need me all the time. i love being with people, but clingy people bother me.



Friday, February 02, 2007

my cold cold heart.

this will explain why i'm so cold-hearted and not so trusting.

i'm over these stupid crushes i have. i'm over being let down and heartbroken.

i paint this picture in my head of what i want and what i want to be, and it's dumb to do, but i'm a foolish person. i guess it's all in the fun of the game? the game of being let down and disappointed again and building myself back up.

there are these walls. but i find someone i want, or i think i want. and i start taking down the wall to put in a door frame. but then they come in with a wrecking ball. they ruin what i've built and what everyone has helped build.

so then i start over, all on my own. it's better that way, better in the long run. i've decided that stones are better than sticks, stronger, and more durable. i'm using cement, not super glue this time. each time it happens, it's getting a layer thicker and thicker.

ever wondered why i don't trust people? it's because i always end up being let down in the end. i just want to be happy. i want something to put my whole heart into. not time or effort, but heart. i am small, and i'm not stable all the time, but i have a lot of love and a lot of things to give. but people tend to just screw me over and not care about how great of a person i am. i really am trying hard to be better, but how can i when no one else does? i always end up alone day after day. night after night. i just want someone who can help me take the cement and bricks down, instead of doing it alone.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

someday seems like forever away.

i wonder why i cry everynight. my mom tells me someone will love me someday. but someday seems like forever away. i have a lot of love to give, and a lot of holes to fill. i look at all my friends move on with their lives, and i regress, going back to my childish ways. going back to the days when nothing would hurt but a few scraps and bruises and chipped teeth. nothing could make you cry but walking into the dentist's office. but it's failing fast. make me happy. make me smile. make me have something i don't deserve. make me the lucky one. i want to fall asleep in someones arms. i want to make them jealous. i want the world, in one person who doesn't exsit. and if he does, i haven't found him. if i have, he doesn't want me. if he does, he clearly has not made it known.

i don't know why i am the one who sleeps in a cold bed.

As another morning begins;;

I will begin to recover. I will begin to see that he was nothing more to me than, another quest to overcome. I did. I figured him out. I pinned him. I got it right.

On other notes, 2-hour delay. Yeah, the Colts won. And I'm not surprised. You're playing "Da Bears." Seriously? Look at them, they got there by chance because they somehow got to playoff's and got to play the Saints who suck worse than them. Too bad it couldn't have been a good game. Also, Myspace was unblocked at school. I figure it's to catch people and check out their site's.

I want someone to make me some iced-tea and cupcakes and watch a movie with me tonight. That's all.